Lost in Time May 9, 2013

Sometimes I find myself wishing I could travel in Time. The great captor that carries us through the world never releasing us. When I worked I had a reason, to know what day had arrived. Now, in retirement, I just float. The thing I cannot do is wriggle free of the firm grip it has on me. I may not want to get gray hairs, but Time sees that I do. I do not want to become inflexible and stiff, but Time must enjoy watching the aches and pains. I do not like to look into the mirror and stare at the person that I have become. I do not know this person that has fading eyes, wrinkled skin, and layers of unwanted fat, but Time forces me to look and accept that I can not go back. No matter how much I want to run with the wind, sing with the meadowlarks, play games with wild rabbits, I am forced to accept that I will never do the things that thrilled my spirit . At what point did Time get the hold on me? From the very beginning, It pulled me along through joys and heartaches, through successes and failures. Loosely, the reigns gave me enough room to decide: to choose- good or bad, sweet or sour, love or hate, flowing forever toward the end. Perhaps, I did not listen to the warnings, I don't remember grasping the concept that these choices are eternal. I must live with all the choices. Never being able to reverse them. Each word is written in indelible ink. Oh, we are told that forgiveness erases them. It doesn't. They are forever there in our minds. Forgiveness lets us forgive ourselves and maybe gives some peace to the injured party, but it never erases it. That's why I would like to travel in Time. I would go back and choose differently, or at least say I'm sorry for back choices. I can not tell someone who's gone that I'm sorry--that I was wrong--it was a lie that caused the pain--a lie that I never knew was told until it was too late. The one thing that Time does is remove you from your pain- whereever it comes from. It will set you free of your burden.

Snow????? May 3, 2013

Another new for me...It is snowing in northwest Arkansas. Snow in May?? It is raining here in northeast Arkansas. It rained all night. It wasn't a pouring rain because there is not a build up in our field. Maybe it will pass soon. It is time for the fields to dry and be planted. At least I have documented it here on my blog that a new record was set in Arkansas. We will go to town in a little while to get James and go eat. It is a dreary day. It would be easy to just snuggle up with a good book and stay in my pj's.

Another new beginning??

At the end of October Suzanna and Brad made the choice to begin a life in the town of Jonesboro. It has been quite a shock to us. Since the day she was born, Suzanna has been with us or next door to us. We had to adjust when Lisa left and moved to Jonesboro, then on to Missouri for several years. Now Suzanna was ready to spread her wings. That leaves us with an empty nest. The home place where we thought we would always be is now a lonely place for just two people. It hold memories from the time we married 50 years ago. We have seen many changes here at White Oak. I was born a mile from where we live and Danny was born a mile in the other direction. We haven't ventured far from our birth roots. Yet, as I walk down the lane of memory, so many things have changed. My dad who taught at the White Oak Elementary School has passed away nearly twenty years ago. My mom who protected me, made my clothes and was my best friend is gone now 17 years. Danny lost his mom last year and his sister 10 years ago. Major changes of children growing up and marrying and having children have moved through our lives. Now, we are here alone. We have lived in this house for 44 years, but now we are alone. The swing hangs limp, the yard is empty and void of laughter and children playing. The trees are draped with new green leaves, the grass is growing- waiting for the footsteps of children. Toby follows at my heels and tries to replace his playmates with playful nips and giant attacks sometimes leaving me with faltering balance. The Easter chickens (the three that are left) race across the yard to see me and beg for seed. {It always comes to mind how good the animators were of that chicken movie.} The girls reward me with fresh eggs everyday. Our lives have taken on new roles, where these lead we do not know.